How I Feel

One of my favorite songs has two lines in it that I love:

Drowning in somebody's wake
Smiling for somebody's sake

I feel like this a lot. Rather than just living my own life and feeling my own feelings, I feel like I am always following other people and being affected by the waves that their boat makes. When will I ever get out of the water, and get to drive my own boat? (I apologize to the author of this song; I am sure it was never intended to lead to such a goofy metaphor!) Also, I always feel that I am smiling for the sake of someone else. Put on a happy face. I feel like I let other people control my emotions way too much. The thing I hate about myself, is that I realize all of these things (or I have been helped to realize them through many hours of therapy) yet I still don't change.

I saw a sign at a burrito chain restaraunt last night:

A burrito is like life: a well-contained mess.

I am sure that this sign was meant to be clever and humorous, but it almost made me burst into tears. Right there at the salsa bar. I feel like an overstuffed burrito, all neat and deceptively tidy, but inside, a big gooey mess, a hodgepodge of too much stuff, and the slightest thing, the next little problem that comes along, will open my wrapper and all of my crap will come out for everyone to see. I have done a pretty good job my entire life of containing my mess. But my doctor withdrew me from some medicine I have been on for two years a few weeks ago, and even though he weaned me off while putting me onto other meds, it really threw me off. We went for an ill-timed counseling session with our pastor. We sat there for over 2 hours while I cried and snotted all over the place, and I was actually honest for once. And I was angry and I let it show. In front of someone that I normally go to great lengths to act normal in front of. Nobody wants their pastor to think bad things about them.

I feel like two people. The public Jamie who seems very sweet and together and kind. You could probably come up and stomp on my foot and I would tell you that I was sorry for my foot being in your way. And then there is the inner Jamie who has spent the past 20 years just trying to keep it together. The only person who has been allowed to really see the inner Jamie is Dave. (Gosh, that sounded dirty. And unfortunately, not true.) My therapist always asked me, Who in your life are you ever really honest with? When do you ever get real? And my answer was always, Dave. Because before Dave, I was considerably crazier. I think now that I have Dave there is somewhere for all the crazy to go, so it doesn't build up as much.

Poor Dave. Poor, poor Dave.

Food Diary, Day Whatever

Okay, so I managed to fall off the wagon before it ever got rolling. I forgot to keep a food diary...
This is the problem. I can't stay focused enough to lose any weight!
On Thursday, I had

Oatmeal, with peanut butter

Iced Caramel Macchiato (with THREE shots of glorious espresso)
Curried Chicken Quinoa Salad

1 Dumpling
broccoli
corn
1/2 cup rice
bagel with margarine

Not a terrible day. I didn't feel out of control, and I didn't do any snacking.

Also, we bought a non-digital scale, so I am having a really hard time telling if the number is going down or up. I think I will only know if it goes down or up by at least five pounds either way. In a way this is sort of good, because when we had a digital scale I would weigh myself several times a day and freak over it going up .4 lbs.

A friend at a birthday party suggested Healthy Trim when I complimented her on how much weight she had lost. I thought about it, but I am pretty sure I would wind up having a stroke or something. Really.

I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror and not recognizing myself for a split second. I think it hasn't really sunk in yet. It being how much weight I have really gained, and that I am at my all time heaviest, and that I weigh about as much as I did when I went to the hospital to deliver Anna. Have I mentioned that before? I am sure I have! I feel DISGUSTING.

Food Diary, Day 1

So, the only way I have ever lost weight and/or kept it off was when I have kept a food diary. Very Weight Watchers, I know. I have food diaries from back in the 6th-8th grade, and they are very humorous (in a sad way) to look back on. I would give myself a daily grade based on overall eating (it was very simple: the less I ate, the better the grade...). But as an adult, I have been able to record what I eat in a sane way, and use it to lose weight in a reasonable and healthy way.
Today was a not so good day. It might have been okay, were it not for the 4 Reese's peanut butter eggs I ate after lunch, and the 3:30-I'm-freaking-out-and these-kids-are-driving-me-nuts bagel I ate. I was not hungry when I ate that bagel, but it did calm me down. Here goes:
Breakfast:
1 bagel with margarine
coffee with milk
Snack:
1 nonfat tall latte
2 shortbread cookies
Lunch:
Leftover Chinese vegetable lo mein
4 Reese's peanut butter eggs
Snack??
Bagel with margarine (totally emotional eating, not hungry at all...)
Dinner:
WW Smart Ones entree, 5 points.
How many points would this be on a WW plan? 10+8+2+3+5+8=36 points... or about 14 points too many. If I had not eaten those eggs, that would have shaved off 8 points. I am so glad they are all gone... or I would go eat them right now because I am upset with myself for having eaten them earlier. As I type this, I realize how crazy it sounds... Maybe tomorrow I will make better choices. At least I will be at work for most of the day, with no access to bagels or candy. I am coming off of a crazy cake and soda and candy filled weekend. I swear if I eat a ton of sugar for a few days in a row, I crave carbs like crazy and I feel really irritable if I can't get them. And now I can feel a headache setting in. Really, when will I learn, my body can't deal with chocolate or Chinese food?

Suffocating

I mentioned in my last post that lately I have had this feeling of suffocating. Too much to do, too much to think about, too much stuff around, too much mental clutter...

AND too much weight. I am carrying around way too much extra weight on my 5 foot 2 inch frame. I feel like my extra weight is literally suffocating me, making it hard to breathe. It is hard to breathe when I bend over to tie my shoes. It reminds me of my last trimester of pregnancies (which, sad to say, I weigh about as much as I did when I delivered Anna in 2005). No wonder I am reminded of my last trimester. At least fat is a little more compressible than baby. It is not QUITE so hard to bend over. I am out of breath from normal activites. Sometimes I feel like my double chins are crowding my breathing. Help! My own fat is making me feel claustrophobic. I can't escape myself! I am not kidding. I feel like I am trapped in too much fat. Drowning. Smothered.

And it isn't just a vanity thing anymore... I mean, sure, my butt is growing up into my waist... that upsets me. My kids asked me if I am growing another baby in my tummy... that stung a little. But I went to the doctor the other day, and my cholesterol and blood sugar are not good. I am headed for diabetes. My A1C is showing that I am pre-diabetic. Between my high blood pressure, and my too big waist, and my blood sugar and cholesterol, PLUS my family history, I am heading towards a heart attack. I am not even 30! And the sad thing is, I am doing this to myself. I am eating too much of the wrong kinds of foods. I am no longer exercising. I've gained 15 pounds in the last 6 months.

I know right now, I could turn it all around. I can change and I can start exercising. I want to change. I don't want to be too fat to enjoy a day at the beach with my kids. And I don't just mean how I look in a swimsuit. I am a little beyond worrying about that right now... what I mean is that I won't have enough energy to enjoy a day at the beach with my family.

I don't want to go on any more medicine. I don't want to be a bad influence on my kids and my husband. I don't want to be so tired all the time.

Tonight I go for my sleep study. I go there at 8:30 PM in my pjs and they will wake me up sometime tomorrow morning. This will be very weird. I can't imagine how well I will sleep while being monitored. The other night, apparently, I woke up, went on Facebook and Yahoo, and had no memory of it the next day. I found out when Dave told me the next day. Now, I have known for a while that I sleep-eat. I get up, seemingly awake and alert, and eat whatever I can find. I don't remember waking up, and I don't remember eating, but I find evidence (like an empty yogurt carton on my bedside table) in the morning that tells me that I did eat, or Dave will tell me that I came out and ate while he was still awake. So I know I've got a problem with that. But sleep-Facebooking? That freaks me out! I checked my sent folder to make sure I had not sent anything to anyone... You would think I was on Ambien or something.

Personal Space

Personal space is a big catchphrase of mine. I use it A LOT with the kids. As in: Anna, you're in Jon's personal space! Or: Jonathan, that is Anna's personal space! Or: You all must need some personal space! Go to separate rooms!

I don't know where I picked this up at, but I do say it a lot.

But lately, I am starting to think I am the one who really needs the personal space... I have always required a certain amount of solitude and space to be happy, and as a mother, sometimes that is hard to find. I think I got a part time job in August partially because of my need for personal space. It is a little satisfying, but as it turns out, other than the commute back and forth, there are LOTS of people in my personal space when I am at work. And sometimes, since they are children people, they can be quite invasive of my personal space. And sometimes, they are even more demanding than my own kids.

I just feel like I am suffocating lately... in my own thoughts, in other people's thoughts, too much noise, too much stuff, too much everything. Too busy, too cluttered, too crowded, trying to do too many things at once. I started The Dooligans 4 as our family's blog, but sometimes, I just want to talk about me. And believe me, I do that on the family blog... but then I feel bad for letting my own problems and complaints speak for our whole family. And I feel like my voice sometimes gets in the way of the "Oh, look at how cute and wonderful and intelligent and creative our kids are" theme of The Dooligans 4. And whenever I change the blog, I always have to think: does this look too feminine? Too me? Or does this look like something that represents all of us? So I decided to create my own personal space. Where I can be as pink as I want to be.