Suffocating

I mentioned in my last post that lately I have had this feeling of suffocating. Too much to do, too much to think about, too much stuff around, too much mental clutter...

AND too much weight. I am carrying around way too much extra weight on my 5 foot 2 inch frame. I feel like my extra weight is literally suffocating me, making it hard to breathe. It is hard to breathe when I bend over to tie my shoes. It reminds me of my last trimester of pregnancies (which, sad to say, I weigh about as much as I did when I delivered Anna in 2005). No wonder I am reminded of my last trimester. At least fat is a little more compressible than baby. It is not QUITE so hard to bend over. I am out of breath from normal activites. Sometimes I feel like my double chins are crowding my breathing. Help! My own fat is making me feel claustrophobic. I can't escape myself! I am not kidding. I feel like I am trapped in too much fat. Drowning. Smothered.

And it isn't just a vanity thing anymore... I mean, sure, my butt is growing up into my waist... that upsets me. My kids asked me if I am growing another baby in my tummy... that stung a little. But I went to the doctor the other day, and my cholesterol and blood sugar are not good. I am headed for diabetes. My A1C is showing that I am pre-diabetic. Between my high blood pressure, and my too big waist, and my blood sugar and cholesterol, PLUS my family history, I am heading towards a heart attack. I am not even 30! And the sad thing is, I am doing this to myself. I am eating too much of the wrong kinds of foods. I am no longer exercising. I've gained 15 pounds in the last 6 months.

I know right now, I could turn it all around. I can change and I can start exercising. I want to change. I don't want to be too fat to enjoy a day at the beach with my kids. And I don't just mean how I look in a swimsuit. I am a little beyond worrying about that right now... what I mean is that I won't have enough energy to enjoy a day at the beach with my family.

I don't want to go on any more medicine. I don't want to be a bad influence on my kids and my husband. I don't want to be so tired all the time.

Tonight I go for my sleep study. I go there at 8:30 PM in my pjs and they will wake me up sometime tomorrow morning. This will be very weird. I can't imagine how well I will sleep while being monitored. The other night, apparently, I woke up, went on Facebook and Yahoo, and had no memory of it the next day. I found out when Dave told me the next day. Now, I have known for a while that I sleep-eat. I get up, seemingly awake and alert, and eat whatever I can find. I don't remember waking up, and I don't remember eating, but I find evidence (like an empty yogurt carton on my bedside table) in the morning that tells me that I did eat, or Dave will tell me that I came out and ate while he was still awake. So I know I've got a problem with that. But sleep-Facebooking? That freaks me out! I checked my sent folder to make sure I had not sent anything to anyone... You would think I was on Ambien or something.