So I finally got my purse. A Michael Kors purse that I found at a steep discount. He is beautiful. The problem with having such a nice purse is that he (Michael) makes everything else look so shoddy. I feel like my normal clothes aren't good enough to go with him. And I am always worrying about him. Yesterday I had to drive with him wedged up under my left armpit because I was trying to keep him away from the two slobbery shi tzus in the passenger seat. I could either save my iced coffee or Michael and I had to choose M. They kept licking the top of my drink. They have this licking compulsion, and they especially love to lick leather. As in leather couches. I am sure my purse smelled especially tasty. I couldn't put it in the backseat, because, I thought, what if one of the kids suddenly vomits, and Michael is in the line of fire? I've been a Mom for over six years. I know this is ALWAYS a possibility.
Public restrooms are a problem because I used to just sit my purse on the floor if there was no purse hook handy. Now I wouldn't do this in a McDonald's or gas station restroom, but at a Starbuck's or something, no problem. Then along came Michael. Now I have to hold him in my lap while I pee. Yesterday we were at ballet practice with Anna and Dave was carrying him for me, and he set him down on the floor. I looked at him and said, Um, he doesn't go on the floor. I think he thought I was kidding, but I totally wasn't. And yesterday, I had a really hard time finding anywhere to put him in the car. My car is in desperate need of a vacuum. (OK, a thorough detail, and new floor mats.) So again, he sat on my lap. He is a rather large purse and it violated the Do Not Place Objects Between Yourself and the Airbag rule. At work I thoroughly cleaned the table. I explained to the ladies there that there has been a lot of stomach flu and Strep throat going around. But really, I just needed a clean surface to place Michael upon.
Michael is super useful. I carry all of my medicines, both prescription and OTC, and all of my makeup, both everyday and dressy, with me. Plus my planner/address book. My 2 checkbooks. My emergency stash of dental floss, lipgloss (in case something happens to my makeup bag or the other lipglosses all over the bottom of my purse, I have an emergency backup), solid perfume (in case of a stinking emergency). My wallet, my phone, my various writing utensils, my hairbrush. My netbook is coming in the mail, and there is room for that netbook. Dave claims I could fit 5 netbooks in there. Plus, I am thinking of getting some Mace or a small, classy knife, and I need room for that also. (I go into some very iffy situations for my job.) Which brings me to another problem. I am having actual anxiety about bringing Michael along with me to the next client's house. I have been forewarned to be careful and go before dark and call someone when I arrive and while I am leaving. Most of the homes I have been in are scary dirty. Now that I have Michael, I am very nervous about what I will be walking into. Could I really get through an hour long appointment with him clutched on my lap? Do you think it might offend someone if I brought some Saran wrap or wax paper to roll out and set him upon? Hmmm. Before you think I am some sort of snob, you've got to know something: I am not a good housekeeper. So if I think some of these places are dirty, they are dirty.
I wonder how long I will have to carry Michael around before I can just lug him around and not worry about him. I mean he is leather, and black, and seems pretty durable. Is it worth carrying around something that I have to worry about so much? The answer is YES! No one ever said love was a reasonable thing.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Progress....
So the only progress I have made is that I re-joined Weight Watchers. I get access to all of the online stuff, plus unlimited monthly meetings. But somehow having that access has done nothing for my weight problem. Perhaps because I have not actually accessed anything yet? Would you believe that in two weeks, I have not been able to attend ONE meeting? Seriously. Every single time I was either going through one of my freaky head pain episodes or I had an appointment or a client or a sick kid or something...
Whatever. One thing that is helping with my eating, I guess, is that I am trying to chew as little as possible. As part of my new diagnosis of TMJ and all of the crazy ear, neck, head, eye and face pain I am having. Supposedly it can trigger pain in all kinds of areas, not just your jaw, and it is on my right side, where I already have the sinus issues, so both the jaw and sinus issues can irritate certain nerves and trigger migraines. Or just cause pain all on their own. My new doctor has been great. He is really supportive and actually listens, and seems more intent on finding the root causes of problems than just telling me I have fibromyalgia and throwing medicines at it. (Ironically enough, he withdrew me from the medicine the rheumatologist had me on for my fibro pain for the past two years, and most of my body aches and pains have gone away. Go figure.) Now if I could just get my sleep straightened out, lose weight, and get rid of my head pain episodes... I would feel like a normal person again! What we learned from my sleep study is that even when I think I sleep through the night, my brain is never cycling through normal sleep patterns, so I don't get restful sleep, and even though I am sleeping, I spend most of my time moving, twitching and moving my limbs involuntarily. Sometimes I can't fall asleep at night because I have these awful feelings in my legs that keep me awake. Anyways, so I feel that I am making progress towards getting better. Not really making progress towards losing weight yet, but I am making progress towards feeling better.
Also, as much as I love to hate myself, I do have to give myself some small amount of credit. I started working part time this year, and for someone who has zero confidence in my abilities, I have really pushed through all of that and managed to succeed. I also feel that I am able to be a loving and involved parent with my children in spite of all of my pain and personal issues. Sometimes I get caught up in the Mommy guilt cycle about various things... but I feel that one thing I do continue to do a good job at is tending to my kids emotional health and development. Sometimes I don't cook nutritious meals or maybe I let them watch too much TV sometimes, but overall I am there for them and I do teach them a lot. My husband has taken over more of the parenting burdens since I have started back to work, and I have felt very guilty about that, but lately I have realized that there is a part of parenting that I am better at than him and he can't possible replace me at. We need to be a team.
Whatever. One thing that is helping with my eating, I guess, is that I am trying to chew as little as possible. As part of my new diagnosis of TMJ and all of the crazy ear, neck, head, eye and face pain I am having. Supposedly it can trigger pain in all kinds of areas, not just your jaw, and it is on my right side, where I already have the sinus issues, so both the jaw and sinus issues can irritate certain nerves and trigger migraines. Or just cause pain all on their own. My new doctor has been great. He is really supportive and actually listens, and seems more intent on finding the root causes of problems than just telling me I have fibromyalgia and throwing medicines at it. (Ironically enough, he withdrew me from the medicine the rheumatologist had me on for my fibro pain for the past two years, and most of my body aches and pains have gone away. Go figure.) Now if I could just get my sleep straightened out, lose weight, and get rid of my head pain episodes... I would feel like a normal person again! What we learned from my sleep study is that even when I think I sleep through the night, my brain is never cycling through normal sleep patterns, so I don't get restful sleep, and even though I am sleeping, I spend most of my time moving, twitching and moving my limbs involuntarily. Sometimes I can't fall asleep at night because I have these awful feelings in my legs that keep me awake. Anyways, so I feel that I am making progress towards getting better. Not really making progress towards losing weight yet, but I am making progress towards feeling better.
Also, as much as I love to hate myself, I do have to give myself some small amount of credit. I started working part time this year, and for someone who has zero confidence in my abilities, I have really pushed through all of that and managed to succeed. I also feel that I am able to be a loving and involved parent with my children in spite of all of my pain and personal issues. Sometimes I get caught up in the Mommy guilt cycle about various things... but I feel that one thing I do continue to do a good job at is tending to my kids emotional health and development. Sometimes I don't cook nutritious meals or maybe I let them watch too much TV sometimes, but overall I am there for them and I do teach them a lot. My husband has taken over more of the parenting burdens since I have started back to work, and I have felt very guilty about that, but lately I have realized that there is a part of parenting that I am better at than him and he can't possible replace me at. We need to be a team.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Some Things
*Why do places that advertise walk-ins welcome not have ANY available appointments when you call them? Had I walked in instead, would they have had appointment slots open? I really don't understand how a phone call 15 minutes in advance would be different than a walk-in.
*I have had a headache ALL week. This is a lovely migraine on my right side, coupled with sinus pain and pressure, PLUS this pain that goes up the back of my neck and the back of my head on my right side. I am taking everything I can for the sinus congestion, pain and pressure. Yesterday someone actually had the nerve to give me a dirty look when I was irrigating my nose at a stop light. (I wasn't using my full-on Neti Pot, but just snorting some saline spray. Also, the same day, another person, in another town, gave me a stare when I applied deodarant at a stop light. What is wrong with a little personal maintenance in the car?
* I hate people who have those Hang Up and Drive bumper stickers on their cars. They make me feel guilty when I see them and I am talking on my phone. And you know what? It seems to me that a lot of times, these people are smoking. Do they not think that their smoking while driving is a distraction? Disgusting. At least my cell phone doesn't stink.
And, also, who are they kidding? It is like fighting the ocean tides or something... EVERYONE has a cell phone, and I am sure that pretty soon it will be acceptable to chat on it while having sex. I have been in many public restrooms while people are talking on their cells. Just peeing away, and chattering to so-and-so on their phones. Or I've been in dressing rooms and had to listen to someone trying on clothes while trying to have an uninterrupted conversation on their cell. I think deep down, we are all becoming afraid of being alone. Or really, being alone, in the midst of other people. Because then there are witnesses to your loneliness. And also, if you have your phone up to your ear, there is just no pressure to be social. You don't have to make small talk or eye contact with anyone, because you have an automatic out. If you go shopping alone, you better have your cell phone up to your ear, because otherwise people might think you are a loser who has no friends. Sit in a waiting room, without talking to someone on your phone? Imagine. Sometimes I wonder if people just pretend someone is on the other line.
*I really like coffee. I like it so much that I think an empty bag of coffee makes a great air freshener for my car. I mean it smells better than the petrified french fries and chicken nuggets that are probably lurking under my kids' car seats.
*I really hate my gerbils. It was really, really stupid of me to get them. They just add chaos to our lives, and it is such a pain to clean the nasty cage. Plus, they just make me feel guilty all the time. I also hate my cats. It was really, really, really stupid of me to get them. They just add chaos and guilt to my life also.
*I really don't want to have a third child. I can barely keep up with taking care of the two I already have, and their needs are changing so much that having an infant again would be like trying to live in two countries at once. Or something. Also, I have no room. I have no room in my car for a third car seat. I have no room in my house. I have no room in my budget. I am turning 30 this summer, and I had always said, I want to be done having kids by the time I turn 30 (this plan was made when I got married at the age of 21, which canceled out my original plan to get married at 25, and have kids in my early 30s). And lately it seems like I have just barely enough sanity to get through one week at a time. You throw a baby in there? I just don't know what would happen. And I am seriously concerned for myself if I have to go through the sleep deprivation of pregnancy and having a nursing infant again.
But it is just SO hard to really give up the possibility of having one more baby. I have a long list of reasons why NOT to, and really no good reason to have one, but I can't seem to feel settled about our decision to say, OK, we are done. I guess I kept hoping that it would just accidentally happen and we would not have to make the decision. And now that time is running our for an accident to happen, it just seems kind of sad. I don't know, I can't imagine Anna being a middle child. Literally, I can't imagine it. And I never wanted to have a third child so far from my other two, because I always felt (as did my husband) as the third and much younger child, that I was completely left out and didn't really fit into the family.
So to sum up: I like some things, I hate some things, I am bothered by some things. And I have a headache.
*I have had a headache ALL week. This is a lovely migraine on my right side, coupled with sinus pain and pressure, PLUS this pain that goes up the back of my neck and the back of my head on my right side. I am taking everything I can for the sinus congestion, pain and pressure. Yesterday someone actually had the nerve to give me a dirty look when I was irrigating my nose at a stop light. (I wasn't using my full-on Neti Pot, but just snorting some saline spray. Also, the same day, another person, in another town, gave me a stare when I applied deodarant at a stop light. What is wrong with a little personal maintenance in the car?
* I hate people who have those Hang Up and Drive bumper stickers on their cars. They make me feel guilty when I see them and I am talking on my phone. And you know what? It seems to me that a lot of times, these people are smoking. Do they not think that their smoking while driving is a distraction? Disgusting. At least my cell phone doesn't stink.
And, also, who are they kidding? It is like fighting the ocean tides or something... EVERYONE has a cell phone, and I am sure that pretty soon it will be acceptable to chat on it while having sex. I have been in many public restrooms while people are talking on their cells. Just peeing away, and chattering to so-and-so on their phones. Or I've been in dressing rooms and had to listen to someone trying on clothes while trying to have an uninterrupted conversation on their cell. I think deep down, we are all becoming afraid of being alone. Or really, being alone, in the midst of other people. Because then there are witnesses to your loneliness. And also, if you have your phone up to your ear, there is just no pressure to be social. You don't have to make small talk or eye contact with anyone, because you have an automatic out. If you go shopping alone, you better have your cell phone up to your ear, because otherwise people might think you are a loser who has no friends. Sit in a waiting room, without talking to someone on your phone? Imagine. Sometimes I wonder if people just pretend someone is on the other line.
*I really like coffee. I like it so much that I think an empty bag of coffee makes a great air freshener for my car. I mean it smells better than the petrified french fries and chicken nuggets that are probably lurking under my kids' car seats.
*I really hate my gerbils. It was really, really stupid of me to get them. They just add chaos to our lives, and it is such a pain to clean the nasty cage. Plus, they just make me feel guilty all the time. I also hate my cats. It was really, really, really stupid of me to get them. They just add chaos and guilt to my life also.
*I really don't want to have a third child. I can barely keep up with taking care of the two I already have, and their needs are changing so much that having an infant again would be like trying to live in two countries at once. Or something. Also, I have no room. I have no room in my car for a third car seat. I have no room in my house. I have no room in my budget. I am turning 30 this summer, and I had always said, I want to be done having kids by the time I turn 30 (this plan was made when I got married at the age of 21, which canceled out my original plan to get married at 25, and have kids in my early 30s). And lately it seems like I have just barely enough sanity to get through one week at a time. You throw a baby in there? I just don't know what would happen. And I am seriously concerned for myself if I have to go through the sleep deprivation of pregnancy and having a nursing infant again.
But it is just SO hard to really give up the possibility of having one more baby. I have a long list of reasons why NOT to, and really no good reason to have one, but I can't seem to feel settled about our decision to say, OK, we are done. I guess I kept hoping that it would just accidentally happen and we would not have to make the decision. And now that time is running our for an accident to happen, it just seems kind of sad. I don't know, I can't imagine Anna being a middle child. Literally, I can't imagine it. And I never wanted to have a third child so far from my other two, because I always felt (as did my husband) as the third and much younger child, that I was completely left out and didn't really fit into the family.
So to sum up: I like some things, I hate some things, I am bothered by some things. And I have a headache.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
How I Feel
One of my favorite songs has two lines in it that I love:
Drowning in somebody's wake
Smiling for somebody's sake
I feel like this a lot. Rather than just living my own life and feeling my own feelings, I feel like I am always following other people and being affected by the waves that their boat makes. When will I ever get out of the water, and get to drive my own boat? (I apologize to the author of this song; I am sure it was never intended to lead to such a goofy metaphor!) Also, I always feel that I am smiling for the sake of someone else. Put on a happy face. I feel like I let other people control my emotions way too much. The thing I hate about myself, is that I realize all of these things (or I have been helped to realize them through many hours of therapy) yet I still don't change.
I saw a sign at a burrito chain restaraunt last night:
A burrito is like life: a well-contained mess.
I am sure that this sign was meant to be clever and humorous, but it almost made me burst into tears. Right there at the salsa bar. I feel like an overstuffed burrito, all neat and deceptively tidy, but inside, a big gooey mess, a hodgepodge of too much stuff, and the slightest thing, the next little problem that comes along, will open my wrapper and all of my crap will come out for everyone to see. I have done a pretty good job my entire life of containing my mess. But my doctor withdrew me from some medicine I have been on for two years a few weeks ago, and even though he weaned me off while putting me onto other meds, it really threw me off. We went for an ill-timed counseling session with our pastor. We sat there for over 2 hours while I cried and snotted all over the place, and I was actually honest for once. And I was angry and I let it show. In front of someone that I normally go to great lengths to act normal in front of. Nobody wants their pastor to think bad things about them.
I feel like two people. The public Jamie who seems very sweet and together and kind. You could probably come up and stomp on my foot and I would tell you that I was sorry for my foot being in your way. And then there is the inner Jamie who has spent the past 20 years just trying to keep it together. The only person who has been allowed to really see the inner Jamie is Dave. (Gosh, that sounded dirty. And unfortunately, not true.) My therapist always asked me, Who in your life are you ever really honest with? When do you ever get real? And my answer was always, Dave. Because before Dave, I was considerably crazier. I think now that I have Dave there is somewhere for all the crazy to go, so it doesn't build up as much.
Poor Dave. Poor, poor Dave.
Drowning in somebody's wake
Smiling for somebody's sake
I feel like this a lot. Rather than just living my own life and feeling my own feelings, I feel like I am always following other people and being affected by the waves that their boat makes. When will I ever get out of the water, and get to drive my own boat? (I apologize to the author of this song; I am sure it was never intended to lead to such a goofy metaphor!) Also, I always feel that I am smiling for the sake of someone else. Put on a happy face. I feel like I let other people control my emotions way too much. The thing I hate about myself, is that I realize all of these things (or I have been helped to realize them through many hours of therapy) yet I still don't change.
I saw a sign at a burrito chain restaraunt last night:
A burrito is like life: a well-contained mess.
I am sure that this sign was meant to be clever and humorous, but it almost made me burst into tears. Right there at the salsa bar. I feel like an overstuffed burrito, all neat and deceptively tidy, but inside, a big gooey mess, a hodgepodge of too much stuff, and the slightest thing, the next little problem that comes along, will open my wrapper and all of my crap will come out for everyone to see. I have done a pretty good job my entire life of containing my mess. But my doctor withdrew me from some medicine I have been on for two years a few weeks ago, and even though he weaned me off while putting me onto other meds, it really threw me off. We went for an ill-timed counseling session with our pastor. We sat there for over 2 hours while I cried and snotted all over the place, and I was actually honest for once. And I was angry and I let it show. In front of someone that I normally go to great lengths to act normal in front of. Nobody wants their pastor to think bad things about them.
I feel like two people. The public Jamie who seems very sweet and together and kind. You could probably come up and stomp on my foot and I would tell you that I was sorry for my foot being in your way. And then there is the inner Jamie who has spent the past 20 years just trying to keep it together. The only person who has been allowed to really see the inner Jamie is Dave. (Gosh, that sounded dirty. And unfortunately, not true.) My therapist always asked me, Who in your life are you ever really honest with? When do you ever get real? And my answer was always, Dave. Because before Dave, I was considerably crazier. I think now that I have Dave there is somewhere for all the crazy to go, so it doesn't build up as much.
Poor Dave. Poor, poor Dave.
Food Diary, Day Whatever
Okay, so I managed to fall off the wagon before it ever got rolling. I forgot to keep a food diary...
This is the problem. I can't stay focused enough to lose any weight!
On Thursday, I had
Oatmeal, with peanut butter
Iced Caramel Macchiato (with THREE shots of glorious espresso)
Curried Chicken Quinoa Salad
1 Dumpling
broccoli
corn
1/2 cup rice
bagel with margarine
Not a terrible day. I didn't feel out of control, and I didn't do any snacking.
Also, we bought a non-digital scale, so I am having a really hard time telling if the number is going down or up. I think I will only know if it goes down or up by at least five pounds either way. In a way this is sort of good, because when we had a digital scale I would weigh myself several times a day and freak over it going up .4 lbs.
A friend at a birthday party suggested Healthy Trim when I complimented her on how much weight she had lost. I thought about it, but I am pretty sure I would wind up having a stroke or something. Really.
I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror and not recognizing myself for a split second. I think it hasn't really sunk in yet. It being how much weight I have really gained, and that I am at my all time heaviest, and that I weigh about as much as I did when I went to the hospital to deliver Anna. Have I mentioned that before? I am sure I have! I feel DISGUSTING.
This is the problem. I can't stay focused enough to lose any weight!
On Thursday, I had
Oatmeal, with peanut butter
Iced Caramel Macchiato (with THREE shots of glorious espresso)
Curried Chicken Quinoa Salad
1 Dumpling
broccoli
corn
1/2 cup rice
bagel with margarine
Not a terrible day. I didn't feel out of control, and I didn't do any snacking.
Also, we bought a non-digital scale, so I am having a really hard time telling if the number is going down or up. I think I will only know if it goes down or up by at least five pounds either way. In a way this is sort of good, because when we had a digital scale I would weigh myself several times a day and freak over it going up .4 lbs.
A friend at a birthday party suggested Healthy Trim when I complimented her on how much weight she had lost. I thought about it, but I am pretty sure I would wind up having a stroke or something. Really.
I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror and not recognizing myself for a split second. I think it hasn't really sunk in yet. It being how much weight I have really gained, and that I am at my all time heaviest, and that I weigh about as much as I did when I went to the hospital to deliver Anna. Have I mentioned that before? I am sure I have! I feel DISGUSTING.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Food Diary, Day 1
So, the only way I have ever lost weight and/or kept it off was when I have kept a food diary. Very Weight Watchers, I know. I have food diaries from back in the 6th-8th grade, and they are very humorous (in a sad way) to look back on. I would give myself a daily grade based on overall eating (it was very simple: the less I ate, the better the grade...). But as an adult, I have been able to record what I eat in a sane way, and use it to lose weight in a reasonable and healthy way.
Today was a not so good day. It might have been okay, were it not for the 4 Reese's peanut butter eggs I ate after lunch, and the 3:30-I'm-freaking-out-and these-kids-are-driving-me-nuts bagel I ate. I was not hungry when I ate that bagel, but it did calm me down. Here goes:
Breakfast:
1 bagel with margarine
coffee with milk
Snack:
1 nonfat tall latte
2 shortbread cookies
Lunch:
Leftover Chinese vegetable lo mein
4 Reese's peanut butter eggs
Snack??
Bagel with margarine (totally emotional eating, not hungry at all...)
Dinner:
WW Smart Ones entree, 5 points.
How many points would this be on a WW plan? 10+8+2+3+5+8=36 points... or about 14 points too many. If I had not eaten those eggs, that would have shaved off 8 points. I am so glad they are all gone... or I would go eat them right now because I am upset with myself for having eaten them earlier. As I type this, I realize how crazy it sounds... Maybe tomorrow I will make better choices. At least I will be at work for most of the day, with no access to bagels or candy. I am coming off of a crazy cake and soda and candy filled weekend. I swear if I eat a ton of sugar for a few days in a row, I crave carbs like crazy and I feel really irritable if I can't get them. And now I can feel a headache setting in. Really, when will I learn, my body can't deal with chocolate or Chinese food?
Today was a not so good day. It might have been okay, were it not for the 4 Reese's peanut butter eggs I ate after lunch, and the 3:30-I'm-freaking-out-and these-kids-are-driving-me-nuts bagel I ate. I was not hungry when I ate that bagel, but it did calm me down. Here goes:
Breakfast:
1 bagel with margarine
coffee with milk
Snack:
1 nonfat tall latte
2 shortbread cookies
Lunch:
Leftover Chinese vegetable lo mein
4 Reese's peanut butter eggs
Snack??
Bagel with margarine (totally emotional eating, not hungry at all...)
Dinner:
WW Smart Ones entree, 5 points.
How many points would this be on a WW plan? 10+8+2+3+5+8=36 points... or about 14 points too many. If I had not eaten those eggs, that would have shaved off 8 points. I am so glad they are all gone... or I would go eat them right now because I am upset with myself for having eaten them earlier. As I type this, I realize how crazy it sounds... Maybe tomorrow I will make better choices. At least I will be at work for most of the day, with no access to bagels or candy. I am coming off of a crazy cake and soda and candy filled weekend. I swear if I eat a ton of sugar for a few days in a row, I crave carbs like crazy and I feel really irritable if I can't get them. And now I can feel a headache setting in. Really, when will I learn, my body can't deal with chocolate or Chinese food?
Suffocating
I mentioned in my last post that lately I have had this feeling of suffocating. Too much to do, too much to think about, too much stuff around, too much mental clutter...
AND too much weight. I am carrying around way too much extra weight on my 5 foot 2 inch frame. I feel like my extra weight is literally suffocating me, making it hard to breathe. It is hard to breathe when I bend over to tie my shoes. It reminds me of my last trimester of pregnancies (which, sad to say, I weigh about as much as I did when I delivered Anna in 2005). No wonder I am reminded of my last trimester. At least fat is a little more compressible than baby. It is not QUITE so hard to bend over. I am out of breath from normal activites. Sometimes I feel like my double chins are crowding my breathing. Help! My own fat is making me feel claustrophobic. I can't escape myself! I am not kidding. I feel like I am trapped in too much fat. Drowning. Smothered.
And it isn't just a vanity thing anymore... I mean, sure, my butt is growing up into my waist... that upsets me. My kids asked me if I am growing another baby in my tummy... that stung a little. But I went to the doctor the other day, and my cholesterol and blood sugar are not good. I am headed for diabetes. My A1C is showing that I am pre-diabetic. Between my high blood pressure, and my too big waist, and my blood sugar and cholesterol, PLUS my family history, I am heading towards a heart attack. I am not even 30! And the sad thing is, I am doing this to myself. I am eating too much of the wrong kinds of foods. I am no longer exercising. I've gained 15 pounds in the last 6 months.
I know right now, I could turn it all around. I can change and I can start exercising. I want to change. I don't want to be too fat to enjoy a day at the beach with my kids. And I don't just mean how I look in a swimsuit. I am a little beyond worrying about that right now... what I mean is that I won't have enough energy to enjoy a day at the beach with my family.
I don't want to go on any more medicine. I don't want to be a bad influence on my kids and my husband. I don't want to be so tired all the time.
Tonight I go for my sleep study. I go there at 8:30 PM in my pjs and they will wake me up sometime tomorrow morning. This will be very weird. I can't imagine how well I will sleep while being monitored. The other night, apparently, I woke up, went on Facebook and Yahoo, and had no memory of it the next day. I found out when Dave told me the next day. Now, I have known for a while that I sleep-eat. I get up, seemingly awake and alert, and eat whatever I can find. I don't remember waking up, and I don't remember eating, but I find evidence (like an empty yogurt carton on my bedside table) in the morning that tells me that I did eat, or Dave will tell me that I came out and ate while he was still awake. So I know I've got a problem with that. But sleep-Facebooking? That freaks me out! I checked my sent folder to make sure I had not sent anything to anyone... You would think I was on Ambien or something.
AND too much weight. I am carrying around way too much extra weight on my 5 foot 2 inch frame. I feel like my extra weight is literally suffocating me, making it hard to breathe. It is hard to breathe when I bend over to tie my shoes. It reminds me of my last trimester of pregnancies (which, sad to say, I weigh about as much as I did when I delivered Anna in 2005). No wonder I am reminded of my last trimester. At least fat is a little more compressible than baby. It is not QUITE so hard to bend over. I am out of breath from normal activites. Sometimes I feel like my double chins are crowding my breathing. Help! My own fat is making me feel claustrophobic. I can't escape myself! I am not kidding. I feel like I am trapped in too much fat. Drowning. Smothered.
And it isn't just a vanity thing anymore... I mean, sure, my butt is growing up into my waist... that upsets me. My kids asked me if I am growing another baby in my tummy... that stung a little. But I went to the doctor the other day, and my cholesterol and blood sugar are not good. I am headed for diabetes. My A1C is showing that I am pre-diabetic. Between my high blood pressure, and my too big waist, and my blood sugar and cholesterol, PLUS my family history, I am heading towards a heart attack. I am not even 30! And the sad thing is, I am doing this to myself. I am eating too much of the wrong kinds of foods. I am no longer exercising. I've gained 15 pounds in the last 6 months.
I know right now, I could turn it all around. I can change and I can start exercising. I want to change. I don't want to be too fat to enjoy a day at the beach with my kids. And I don't just mean how I look in a swimsuit. I am a little beyond worrying about that right now... what I mean is that I won't have enough energy to enjoy a day at the beach with my family.
I don't want to go on any more medicine. I don't want to be a bad influence on my kids and my husband. I don't want to be so tired all the time.
Tonight I go for my sleep study. I go there at 8:30 PM in my pjs and they will wake me up sometime tomorrow morning. This will be very weird. I can't imagine how well I will sleep while being monitored. The other night, apparently, I woke up, went on Facebook and Yahoo, and had no memory of it the next day. I found out when Dave told me the next day. Now, I have known for a while that I sleep-eat. I get up, seemingly awake and alert, and eat whatever I can find. I don't remember waking up, and I don't remember eating, but I find evidence (like an empty yogurt carton on my bedside table) in the morning that tells me that I did eat, or Dave will tell me that I came out and ate while he was still awake. So I know I've got a problem with that. But sleep-Facebooking? That freaks me out! I checked my sent folder to make sure I had not sent anything to anyone... You would think I was on Ambien or something.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Personal Space
Personal space is a big catchphrase of mine. I use it A LOT with the kids. As in: Anna, you're in Jon's personal space! Or: Jonathan, that is Anna's personal space! Or: You all must need some personal space! Go to separate rooms!
I don't know where I picked this up at, but I do say it a lot.
But lately, I am starting to think I am the one who really needs the personal space... I have always required a certain amount of solitude and space to be happy, and as a mother, sometimes that is hard to find. I think I got a part time job in August partially because of my need for personal space. It is a little satisfying, but as it turns out, other than the commute back and forth, there are LOTS of people in my personal space when I am at work. And sometimes, since they are children people, they can be quite invasive of my personal space. And sometimes, they are even more demanding than my own kids.
I just feel like I am suffocating lately... in my own thoughts, in other people's thoughts, too much noise, too much stuff, too much everything. Too busy, too cluttered, too crowded, trying to do too many things at once. I started The Dooligans 4 as our family's blog, but sometimes, I just want to talk about me. And believe me, I do that on the family blog... but then I feel bad for letting my own problems and complaints speak for our whole family. And I feel like my voice sometimes gets in the way of the "Oh, look at how cute and wonderful and intelligent and creative our kids are" theme of The Dooligans 4. And whenever I change the blog, I always have to think: does this look too feminine? Too me? Or does this look like something that represents all of us? So I decided to create my own personal space. Where I can be as pink as I want to be.
I don't know where I picked this up at, but I do say it a lot.
But lately, I am starting to think I am the one who really needs the personal space... I have always required a certain amount of solitude and space to be happy, and as a mother, sometimes that is hard to find. I think I got a part time job in August partially because of my need for personal space. It is a little satisfying, but as it turns out, other than the commute back and forth, there are LOTS of people in my personal space when I am at work. And sometimes, since they are children people, they can be quite invasive of my personal space. And sometimes, they are even more demanding than my own kids.
I just feel like I am suffocating lately... in my own thoughts, in other people's thoughts, too much noise, too much stuff, too much everything. Too busy, too cluttered, too crowded, trying to do too many things at once. I started The Dooligans 4 as our family's blog, but sometimes, I just want to talk about me. And believe me, I do that on the family blog... but then I feel bad for letting my own problems and complaints speak for our whole family. And I feel like my voice sometimes gets in the way of the "Oh, look at how cute and wonderful and intelligent and creative our kids are" theme of The Dooligans 4. And whenever I change the blog, I always have to think: does this look too feminine? Too me? Or does this look like something that represents all of us? So I decided to create my own personal space. Where I can be as pink as I want to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
